A shift of axis

It's day two and thanks in large part to waking up at 7 a.m., dragging myself into the shower and mentally planning my workday before realizing it was Sunday, I've managed to begin my second day of writing (before 8 am) - hooray!

As some friends might have noticed, yesterday I modified a lot of this blog's right hand side "gadgets," keeping only a couple photos and adding more parenting websites. You'll also notice that the topics for my writing sessions might feature fetuses, infants, toddlers, and the person they make me (and B) fairly frequently. It's not because becoming a parent has become my sole identity. But having a child does shift your world onto a different axis, and at the moment I happen to know a lot of people who are going through that same primordial, irreversible, life-altering shift. As it's the process that perpetuates our species (and created each of us), there's a lot of things to think about. And with thoughts come opinions. And with opinions come differences in them.

One of the most irksome challenges of this transition to someone expecting and then caring for a child, has been the inevitable lectures that have come from others, advising and then evaluating everything from my birth choices to how I put my baby to sleep. Frankly, it is exhausting and discouraging to have to defend every choice you make as a parent (because no matter what you choose, someone will disagree with it). In the meantime, you're doing whatever you can to cling on to your own exponential learning curve, while the miniature being around whom your life suddenly revolves does everything he or she can do to communicate her own set of needs, dislikes and desires.

In addition to those "usual" challenges of parenthood, there is the complex cocktail of emotional decision-making that comes with our personal choices for me to be a working mother, to enlist a nanny, and now for B to be a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD).

And perhaps worse of all, I've realized through this process that I'm only human. No matter how much I cringe as others try to share with me the highlights and benefits of their chosen birth/sleep/feeding/working choices (or simply decry the alternatives), I realize the process of making our own choices for our family has influenced me to support them as well. Perhaps its the sheer strength of our love, devotion, exasperation or commitment to our children that makes choices on how we relate to them such hot-button issues? Does this much love naturally beget a similar level of passionate dedication to what we think is best for them (or us)?

B is currently most passionate about getting our family to the beach this morning before San Diego's most precious resource - parking - is nearly exhausted. And as my hour is almost complete I will leave discussions of certain choices to other posts. Let this serve as my prologue, a caveat that recognizes that some people will be offended by my choices (and reasons for them) because they do not mesh with their own. I empathize with you. I'll do my best to not vilify others who have not made the same choices we have.

Most of all, this entire blog is really just about me... a writing exercise that happens to be in a public space. But not a public space that I actually expect many people to read. I don't know how people become super-bloggers, but I have no illusions that my ramblings will go viral on Facebook. Hopefully those who are reading this are only a few friends, family, and the odd person who stumbled here accidentally, and the vast majority of you will forgive me for any bruised toes. After all, the only perfect parents out there are those without children, myself included!

Now, off to the beach!

In My Humble Opinion...

It seems that not much inspires judgement in our society as much as parenting. Whether it be self-righteousness or self-consciousness, no one seems to be able to look at the act of creating, bearing and raising a child in this world without judging whether each act is right or wrong, good or bad, advisable or not.

I just came back from my weekly walking group where a new group of moms had gathered (my 4 usual companions were all unable to make it). Two were labor and delivery (L&D) nurses at a local hospital, one with two toddlers and one with a 7 week old baby. The other two ladies were young moms with 7 and 11 month old babies.

We discussed the usual topics of where they delivered, how their births went, what the transition to motherhood was like, etc. before the host of questions began for the pregnant lady (aka me) - when was I due, what was I having, did she have a name yet... when we got on to where I would deliver. As soon as I mentioned the words "Birth Center" their expressions changed: "Oh. You're one of the ones who is going to try it without drugs!" Knowing smirks were exchanged between the L&D nurses. They looked at me with a mix of humor and condescension, like parents humoring their obviously disillusioned child.

A little while later I was discussing feeding with the constantly flustered mother of the 7 week old (one of the L&D nurses) who casually slipped in - "well you're probably breastfeeding, right? I just assume because you're going for natural childbirth, you're one of those moms..." I tried to let that one go as I watched her formula-feed her infant a few minutes later.

Finally, as I was making my exit (completely bored) I asked whether I would see the women next week. "Sure;" one of the L&D nurses responded, "unless you're not here for a while..." [indicating that I may have delivered]. "Oh, I hope she'll stay inside for at least another month. She can't come before my mother arrives on April 16th - she would have a fit!" I joked. "Well, we'll be eager to hear how it goes if you do!" Another loaded glance passed between them with suppressed giggles, before the older one added, "We'll see if you earned your gold star!"

This conversation is just the latest example of what I have realized is another mark of new parenthood - a honed auditory filter and a passable fake smile as you receive the frequent barrage of advice from friends, family and strangers on the street once you are marked as being in the care of a child. The tricky part is getting the information you want out of all the stuff you don't. Which is where we come back to my original point on judgement.

For example...

1) The crunchy/non crunchy camps

A term used to describe how "hippie" you are, it is worn on natural mom chat sites like a badge. Everyone wants to know (or profess) how crunchy are you! Points seem to be awarded for your support of: natural childbirth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing (to do with carrying your baby around in a sling or wrap), attachment parenting, co-sleeping, your suspicion of traditional vaccine schedules, and feeding your child homemade (organic) baby food when they (ever) wean from the breast.

By most standards, Brent and I fall primarily into the 'pretty darn crunchy' category, but that doesn't stop it irking me that as much self-righteousness seems to flow from the crunchy camp as from the L&D nurses today.

2) The old-school/"modern" moms camps

In one example, I received warning today of the responses I could encounter if we choose to take our daughter out in public shortly after her birth. Depending on how I'm feeling postpartum, this had been something Brent and I were excited about. Apparently, women of the older generation in San Diego have been known (as many of the women attested) to chide new mothers for bringing their babies outdoors at such a young age - apparently they think starving alone in your apartment is preferable to entering a grocery store with a <1 week old baby. This can go the other way though too. Many 'modern' moms considering themselves baby-product savvy will refuse anything not directly off the highest-end baby store shelf for fear of quality, safety and style; looking down their noses at any moms that have not outfitted their children in anything but the best brand-names, and can spot your make of stroller a mile off. 3) The It's YOUR baby camp

This dichotomy may baffle me the most. For all the unsolicited, nosy, self-assured judgements that complete strangers feel free to make on parents, there seems to be an increasing lack of communal responsibility/friendship towards parents with babies or children in other areas. For example, I have witnessed, experienced and heard of numerous incidences of the general public's lack of courtesy with regards to both pregnant women and mothers with small children. The giving up of seats on buses, opening of doors to those with strollers, let alone assisting a stroller up stairs seems to be becoming a rarity. If your baby cries in a restaurant, airplane or store you are likely to be shot death glares more than sympathetic smiles. And then there's some individuals' reactions to breastfeeding in public! A friend of mine actually carries around a card that states California's pro-breastfeeding laws, while I have heard the laments of mothers in other states where breastfeeding in public is illegal!

Perhaps when our little one comes we'll post a sign on her stroller that reminds folks that the only perfect parents are those without children ;-)


Meanwhile, our increasingly heavy honeydew melon is now 35 weeks, weighs nearly 5.5 lbs (though her mom is carrying around 25 lbs!) and is about as long as she'll be at birth. Which theoretically could happen at any time in the next 6 weeks. There are less than 5 weeks till her due date, though she'll be full term in less than 2! Eek! I really don't think she'll be making her appearance until after her due date, but maybe we better go install the car seat just in case...!

Love to all of you,

Jen, Brent & our little honeydew