The FSFM post

Otherwise known as the Feeling Sorry For Myself post.

If shows of emotion are a good sign while waiting for a baby (heightened hormones? Stress release?), then I'm doing wonderfully! Since Monday when my in-laws had to leave SD after a week waiting to meet their new grandson, the waterworks have sprung frequently and liberally. I'm not proud of this. Trumping disappointment, guilt, anxiety and more disappointment, is an overall feeling of being upset with myself. I know better than this. I have people close to me who are unable to conceive or conceiving and then suffering the loss of miscarriage. What an idiot I am to be wallowing in self pity for having carried a healthy pregnancy to term but having to wait a few extra DAYS (maybe weeks at most) to bring him into this world?! Really, is that my biggest problem? I guess it is, and therefore I should be counting my lucky stars, not blubbering like a teenager who just got dumped.

So what's all the fuss about anyway? Sometimes I don't really know. But the emotions start to well when I have my midwife team tell me (like they just did this morning) with their best smiles, that while I'm "softening" and my cervix is moving forward, like it should, neither my dilation or effacement have progressed since our apt. last week. After weeks of trying every natural induction technique possible, I'm stuck at 70% effaced and only 1 cm dilated.

I know I should be happy there's been any progress, rather than disappointed that we're not looking at an arrival today or tomorrow or maybe another week or even more. Moreover, there is a side of me, as I've mentioned before, that -if we lived down the road from our families all in one country and this was some boring month with nothing going on - I would be fine to kick back and watch the world go by for another week or two, trusting the wisdom of my body and Noah to simply come when he's ready. Unfortunately, the world we live in has dates such as Christmas Eve - 3 weeks from this Saturday (the amount of time it will take Noah to get his birth certificate so we can leave the country); and Monday - the date my parents are both scheduled to fly home (though they've said one will delay their flight if baby's not here yet); and logistics such as the house my parents are trying to finish building before we (and other guests from as far as the UK) arrive for the holidays; bureaucracy such as birth certificate and passport wait times; and flight rules, fees and availability for Brent, me, Thea, Noah and my folks to try and make it to Canada for Christmas once he does come.

So yes, it upsets me to think we might not make it home by Christmas. It worries me the stress my folks will be under to get their house built if they stay to support us. These seem like real concerns that loom larger with each day I don't go into labor. But worse than this, in many ways, is how this is affecting my feelings about a birth we've painstakingly planned to be as positive as possible, and a son who I love and have yet to meet.

I know it's not Noah's fault. It's my body that's taking its time to get ready and if my disappointment should be directed anywhere, it should be at myself (which it is). But what can I do about it? I've read every list available on what to do to bring on labor:

Walking. Acupuncture. Evening Primrose Oil. Raspberry Leaf Tea (to help uterine tone). Wearing a compression band to keep Noah's head pressing on my cervix. Visualization. Relaxation. Spicy food. Hell, I even drank a hot water "tea" of 1/4 cup of melted chocolate chips and 1/8 tsp. of cumin based on word of mouth that it induced labor (yuck!). You name it, I've been doing it!! The only exceptions have been castor oil (I even asked, my midwife said don't bother yet because my body was still so unready) and membrane sweeping (midwives couldn't reach it with my dilation being so small), but heck, I'll even try them as soon as they'll let me!

In the meantime, writing this all down has helped diffuse the emotion (I do have pregnancy hormones as an excuse!) for the time being at least. Mom and Dad are talking about delaying Christmas, and filling our remaining waiting days with fun activities rather than obsessing with stressful thumb twiddling (and doing all of the above list over and over again). I see my only job now to be letting go and trying to recapture the positive anticipation of this birth and meeting our little Noah (I hope he's still little by the time we get to meet him! ;-).

"Pain-free" Natural Childbirth...

Say what?!

I think that was my reaction the first time I heard about hypnotizing yourself for a comfortable, natural childbirth. It was when I was pregnant with T and a friend passed along her Home Study Course. She had tried it for her labor but lost concentration during a long and difficult ride to the Birth Center (they lived 45 min away). She admitted she had only done parts of the course and wasn't really expecting it to work.

Hmm, one point against.

Nevertheless, curiosity got the better of us and we made our own half-hearted attempt for a couple of weeks. But a combination of the cheesy scripts, the overzealous bolding and underlining every other sentence throughout the manual, and most of all, the doubt that came from not knowing if I could be hypnotized, or what this whole labor/birth thing would feel like, led me to conclude it was not the birth prep that I wanted to go into this scary thing called Labor with.

Fast forward to this pregnancy. The birth prep course we took for T's birth was helpful, but I wanted more tools to help me have a natural birth this time. We looked into Bradley, Lamaze, and finally returned to Hypnobirthing and its more robust cousin, Hypnobabies. Again, I was skeptical. Then I stumbled upon this Hypnosis for Birth board (and specifically birth stories likethese ones) on BabyCenter.com. Stories of regular women from all over writing in telling about their incredible, unusually fast, easy and most remarkably, comfortable births! I also started googling Hypnobabies on You Tube, and watching a bunch of women, silent or gently "ahhh"-ing through parts of labor that I was decidedly UN-silent through!

It turned out our homebirth midwife had delivered hypno babies too, and had her own stories of the remarkable relaxation the women were able to achieve through self-hypnosis. One lady she attended last year was lying quietly in her birth pool when Marla arrived. She raised her head after a little while to announce calmly, eyes still closed, "baby is crowning." A moment later, "Head is out" Marla came over to shine a light to check the baby's color underwater, which was perfectly pink. The baby was then born... completely healthy and fast asleep!!!

I'm not expecting one of these sleeping labors, or a 22 min dad-delivered-at-home birth because the family never realized they were in labor until the baby's head emerged. But it does give me hope that my labor could be much more relaxing and pleasant than it was last time.

Not that getting a fairy tale natural birth is simply a matter of watching a pocket-watch swing before me as B croons, "you are getting verry sleeepy..." It's actually a lot of work, listening to 1-2 x 40 min scripts daily, doing self practice 2-5x daily, practicing with your birth partner every other day, as well as a lot of reading. With my current work schedule and a 2 yr old that is a pro at distractions, I'm lucky if I do one daily script (usually as I fall asleep at night), and practice with B once a fortnight! So just like college, I'm 5 weeks away from D-day and nervous that I'm going to fail the exam due to insufficient studying.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping my subconscious is paying attention when my conscious mind is busy negotiating with a sleepy preschooler and freaking out about the piles of e-mails I still have to get to... And that somehow, when Noah's Birth Day is finally upon us, that this hypno-anesthesia hocus pocus kicks in!

Just for the record, I've already had one point in Hypnobabies' favor... I got a flu shot a few weeks ago and as the needle was poised above my arm I realized this would be a good mini test! I quickly got into the "awake" hypnosis mode, directing my anesthesia to my arm where the tip was about to enter. I don't mind needles but there's usually a pinch and ache involved. Amazed, I felt nothing more than light pressure at the sight of the injection. The nurse asked me if I was OK as I did my weird relaxation (I think she was worried I was going to pass out). I just wanted her to leave so I could jump up and down yelling to B that it worked!

Life these days

Is kind of crazy.

I think every friend, relative and FB acquaintance is tired of hearing my repetitive response to "How are you/things/life?"

"Crazy." "Crazy busy." "Kind of nuts."

I'm 3 weeks into the 10 week mayhem that is my fall. The four Women PeaceMakers and the four Peace Writers they are paired with have arrived in San Diego, and while we all survived the 2 week intensive orientation training, I have returned to a mountain of unanswered e-mail and a 2.5 ft x 3.5 ft. white board To Do list, filled in emergency red. I feel like every day I wake up in the night or early morning, head filled with undone tasks, and then get to work only to find an avalanche of new requests coming in. I feel like I'm being buried in a sand pit; all attempts at climbing out are futile.

At home (or rushing around at work, feeling contractions a little too often), I remember I'm also 7.5 months pregnant. And mom to a toddler. And wife to a fantastic, but lately neglected husband. While trying to plan a homebirth at the 11th hour, and do a homework-intensive self-study birth preparation course.

So, while I love my job (and this time of year is what it's all about), adore my family, am excited and thrilled and anxious about the birth of our son (including these rushed preparations)... it is making for a crazy life at the moment.

So if that's my answer to your question, I'm sorry. I expect you'll get tired of asking and I don't blame you. It will likely be the same answer for the next two months, after which our lives will be a whole new kind of crazy...

And I'm very much looking forward to that.

A gift for him

I realized after posting the last post that it was missing something. I hadn't really described my underlying sense of what was different with this pregnancy.

Becoming pregnant with T knocked my world's axis onto a new tilt. From the decision that we (eventually) wanted to get pregnant, my priorities began to shift. From the moment we read "pregnant" on the pee stick, the celebration (with its fleeting grips of hesitation and uncertainty) began. By the time I first felt her move I was head-over-heels obsessed with her.

For the last 6.5 months I've known guiltily that I wasn't giving this pregnancy (and therefore this baby) the same care, focus and attention I had given to T's. As you've gathered from my other posts, my attention has had the significant distractions of full time work, full time marriage and full time motherhood (as well as any other extracurricular pursuits) this time around. But regardless of the reasons, I did want, and do love this child, so it's not fair that this little guy has gotten the short end of the celebration stick.

I'll try to explain it more in the next post, but our decision to change our birth plan from a hospital birth to a homebirth has not been an easy or straightforward one (and until we sign with a homebirth midwife, is still ongoing). But to balance the cons (the significant out-of-pocket cost, some logistical considerations and the commitment to not have drugs nearby should I decide natural childbirth is for the dogs) were a number of pros... and one large (unsaid) hope:

Of wanting to give this baby this gift. A special birth, in a special place, surrounded by the love and presence of his family. Maybe in that small way, we can make up for the intensity of emotion that was poured into T for nine plus months of "first pregnancy/baby" anticipation. By investing in having the birth experience that we believe will bring the most joy and be most treasured by us, I hope he will see how special he is to us too.

The second time around

I have a lot of friends who are pregnant or new parents, which -besides allowing me to welcome some adorable new babies to the world- has allowed me to reflect in their joy and anticipation at the incredible process of bringing a child into the world and adapting from our society's hyper-individualistic single/couple lives to parenthood.

It's also made me that much more aware of how different it is the second time around.

To set the foundation: this pregnancy was planned, and we're thrilled about it. That is, when I can remember I'm pregnant. It's a lot easier now that my belly protrudes like an engorged watermelon knocking into everything less than a foot infront of me, and little Mister is practicing his tap dance routine on my spleen at bi-hourly intervals. His birth is only 3-3.5 months away, so logistically, the preparations for that are on our minds as well.

But besides the joy and appreciation that there's a healthy little boy growing away, waiting to join our family, I sometimes have tinges of disappointment that I haven't been able to enjoy this pregnancy to the same level I was able to enjoy T's. The reasons for the difference are all completely understandable, and center primarily on the fact that there's not the novelty of a first time pregnancy, birth and transition to parenthood to celebrate. It's less novel for us, and it's less novel for those around us. I just wish that didn't translate to less excitement. Speaking as much from my opinion as a friend/relative of parents having their second (third or fourth) child, as that of a mother, I think the assumption is that second-time parents don't need as much support. They've been there, done that, know what to expect and already have all the baby clothes/toys/books/furniture/apparatuses.

In reality I'm only now appreciating the loneliness that assumption of aptitude can bring. Families stay for less time, friends offer less help (speaking as a guilty party!), and generally there's less of a circus made about the new arrival, though you're now balancing all the sleep deprivation and adjustments of a newborn with taking care of a (likely jealous) constantly-on-the-go 2 yr old as well! I do remember when T was a week or so old, B & I collapsing desperately into bed as Mom & Dad took her for a walk and thinking, "What on earth would we do if we 1) didn't have parents here, and 2) had a noisy toddler that was running around wanting to eat or play?"

We're now trying to get our heads around the fact that that will be our reality in just a few months. Our families will be coming (thank goodness!!), but due to unavoidable commitments in their lives, will not be able to stay for longer than 1-2 weeks at most. Luckily, we also have many wonderful people around us who I don't doubt will provide an excellent welcoming party and support network for us yet again.

And if there's one thing the last 2 years has taught me, it's that whatever comes, you adjust. Billions of families all over the world have chosen to have more than one child and lived to tell the tale; we certainly will too. We've got lots of examples around us, and my admiration and awe of those that have balanced caring for a toddler (or others) and a newborn continues to reach new heights. We'll just have to ask them for lots of advice.

A shift of axis

It's day two and thanks in large part to waking up at 7 a.m., dragging myself into the shower and mentally planning my workday before realizing it was Sunday, I've managed to begin my second day of writing (before 8 am) - hooray!

As some friends might have noticed, yesterday I modified a lot of this blog's right hand side "gadgets," keeping only a couple photos and adding more parenting websites. You'll also notice that the topics for my writing sessions might feature fetuses, infants, toddlers, and the person they make me (and B) fairly frequently. It's not because becoming a parent has become my sole identity. But having a child does shift your world onto a different axis, and at the moment I happen to know a lot of people who are going through that same primordial, irreversible, life-altering shift. As it's the process that perpetuates our species (and created each of us), there's a lot of things to think about. And with thoughts come opinions. And with opinions come differences in them.

One of the most irksome challenges of this transition to someone expecting and then caring for a child, has been the inevitable lectures that have come from others, advising and then evaluating everything from my birth choices to how I put my baby to sleep. Frankly, it is exhausting and discouraging to have to defend every choice you make as a parent (because no matter what you choose, someone will disagree with it). In the meantime, you're doing whatever you can to cling on to your own exponential learning curve, while the miniature being around whom your life suddenly revolves does everything he or she can do to communicate her own set of needs, dislikes and desires.

In addition to those "usual" challenges of parenthood, there is the complex cocktail of emotional decision-making that comes with our personal choices for me to be a working mother, to enlist a nanny, and now for B to be a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD).

And perhaps worse of all, I've realized through this process that I'm only human. No matter how much I cringe as others try to share with me the highlights and benefits of their chosen birth/sleep/feeding/working choices (or simply decry the alternatives), I realize the process of making our own choices for our family has influenced me to support them as well. Perhaps its the sheer strength of our love, devotion, exasperation or commitment to our children that makes choices on how we relate to them such hot-button issues? Does this much love naturally beget a similar level of passionate dedication to what we think is best for them (or us)?

B is currently most passionate about getting our family to the beach this morning before San Diego's most precious resource - parking - is nearly exhausted. And as my hour is almost complete I will leave discussions of certain choices to other posts. Let this serve as my prologue, a caveat that recognizes that some people will be offended by my choices (and reasons for them) because they do not mesh with their own. I empathize with you. I'll do my best to not vilify others who have not made the same choices we have.

Most of all, this entire blog is really just about me... a writing exercise that happens to be in a public space. But not a public space that I actually expect many people to read. I don't know how people become super-bloggers, but I have no illusions that my ramblings will go viral on Facebook. Hopefully those who are reading this are only a few friends, family, and the odd person who stumbled here accidentally, and the vast majority of you will forgive me for any bruised toes. After all, the only perfect parents out there are those without children, myself included!

Now, off to the beach!

A new page

A writer friend of mine is in the process of sloughing off a few years of other pursuits to return to writing full-time. To help her do so, she's practicing a daily ritual of writing for one hour every day, even if that means an hour of writing "I don't know what to write. I don't know what to write. I don't know what to write."

It seemed like a brilliant idea, and what better time than when I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant, working full time and chasing a preschooler around? So at 2 p.m. on July 30, I begin what will likely be at least four months (now that I know how hard balancing a computer on your lap with a nursing infant can be) of daily drivel, sent out into the universe via the internet.

One reason why I chose this weekend to start is because I'm feeling a bit (pleasantly) lonely, as many of our close friends and family, here and abroad, are otherwise occupied with major life transitions. A birthday, a reunion, building a house and two new babies, to name a few. It's given us some needed time for reflection on the gifts of our life and the realization that in four short months we'll be receiving another small, loud, squirming, beautiful, sweet-smelling (most of the time) one of our own.

How is it nearly August anyway? With my work getting increasingly busy towards the chock-a-block mayhem of fall, B & I are feeling pressure to prepare for the baby yesterday. I've spent the past week contacting doulas and researching hypnobirthing classes, and trying to find the babysitter necessary for us to attend them! And while all three will punch a large hole in our very small bank account, the more I learn about the deep relaxation of hypnobirthing and read the responses we've gotten from San Diego doulas, the more excited I'm getting about this birth.

I mused the other day, listening to snippets about my friends' recent births, and thinking back to T's, about the learning curve of birth. That perhaps I needed T's wild, unpredictable, not-as-I'd-planned labor, to fully appreciate what I did need for that experience so that this time I can make sure I get it. For me, that means a dedicated labor support professional (i.e. doula), in addition to B's irreplaceable presence, love and assistance as my partner; a more mature, calm and flexible attitude towards birth; and perhaps the sanctity of planning on remaining in our home, or staying with our hospital-planned birth to allow for the kind of unpredictable variables (like that stubborn meconium) that popped up with T.

Regardless of whether our plan for a doula and study of hypnobirthing leads to a birth experience closer to the one I hope for, there's likely some truth in another story I heard recently. A mother of four asserted that while each of her births went differently, each contained a lesson she needed to learn for parenting that child. For those of us who believe birth is a natural, sacred process, it seems like sage advice.

That's my hour today. Hope to see you again tomorrow.

In My Humble Opinion...

It seems that not much inspires judgement in our society as much as parenting. Whether it be self-righteousness or self-consciousness, no one seems to be able to look at the act of creating, bearing and raising a child in this world without judging whether each act is right or wrong, good or bad, advisable or not.

I just came back from my weekly walking group where a new group of moms had gathered (my 4 usual companions were all unable to make it). Two were labor and delivery (L&D) nurses at a local hospital, one with two toddlers and one with a 7 week old baby. The other two ladies were young moms with 7 and 11 month old babies.

We discussed the usual topics of where they delivered, how their births went, what the transition to motherhood was like, etc. before the host of questions began for the pregnant lady (aka me) - when was I due, what was I having, did she have a name yet... when we got on to where I would deliver. As soon as I mentioned the words "Birth Center" their expressions changed: "Oh. You're one of the ones who is going to try it without drugs!" Knowing smirks were exchanged between the L&D nurses. They looked at me with a mix of humor and condescension, like parents humoring their obviously disillusioned child.

A little while later I was discussing feeding with the constantly flustered mother of the 7 week old (one of the L&D nurses) who casually slipped in - "well you're probably breastfeeding, right? I just assume because you're going for natural childbirth, you're one of those moms..." I tried to let that one go as I watched her formula-feed her infant a few minutes later.

Finally, as I was making my exit (completely bored) I asked whether I would see the women next week. "Sure;" one of the L&D nurses responded, "unless you're not here for a while..." [indicating that I may have delivered]. "Oh, I hope she'll stay inside for at least another month. She can't come before my mother arrives on April 16th - she would have a fit!" I joked. "Well, we'll be eager to hear how it goes if you do!" Another loaded glance passed between them with suppressed giggles, before the older one added, "We'll see if you earned your gold star!"

This conversation is just the latest example of what I have realized is another mark of new parenthood - a honed auditory filter and a passable fake smile as you receive the frequent barrage of advice from friends, family and strangers on the street once you are marked as being in the care of a child. The tricky part is getting the information you want out of all the stuff you don't. Which is where we come back to my original point on judgement.

For example...

1) The crunchy/non crunchy camps

A term used to describe how "hippie" you are, it is worn on natural mom chat sites like a badge. Everyone wants to know (or profess) how crunchy are you! Points seem to be awarded for your support of: natural childbirth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing (to do with carrying your baby around in a sling or wrap), attachment parenting, co-sleeping, your suspicion of traditional vaccine schedules, and feeding your child homemade (organic) baby food when they (ever) wean from the breast.

By most standards, Brent and I fall primarily into the 'pretty darn crunchy' category, but that doesn't stop it irking me that as much self-righteousness seems to flow from the crunchy camp as from the L&D nurses today.

2) The old-school/"modern" moms camps

In one example, I received warning today of the responses I could encounter if we choose to take our daughter out in public shortly after her birth. Depending on how I'm feeling postpartum, this had been something Brent and I were excited about. Apparently, women of the older generation in San Diego have been known (as many of the women attested) to chide new mothers for bringing their babies outdoors at such a young age - apparently they think starving alone in your apartment is preferable to entering a grocery store with a <1 week old baby. This can go the other way though too. Many 'modern' moms considering themselves baby-product savvy will refuse anything not directly off the highest-end baby store shelf for fear of quality, safety and style; looking down their noses at any moms that have not outfitted their children in anything but the best brand-names, and can spot your make of stroller a mile off. 3) The It's YOUR baby camp

This dichotomy may baffle me the most. For all the unsolicited, nosy, self-assured judgements that complete strangers feel free to make on parents, there seems to be an increasing lack of communal responsibility/friendship towards parents with babies or children in other areas. For example, I have witnessed, experienced and heard of numerous incidences of the general public's lack of courtesy with regards to both pregnant women and mothers with small children. The giving up of seats on buses, opening of doors to those with strollers, let alone assisting a stroller up stairs seems to be becoming a rarity. If your baby cries in a restaurant, airplane or store you are likely to be shot death glares more than sympathetic smiles. And then there's some individuals' reactions to breastfeeding in public! A friend of mine actually carries around a card that states California's pro-breastfeeding laws, while I have heard the laments of mothers in other states where breastfeeding in public is illegal!

Perhaps when our little one comes we'll post a sign on her stroller that reminds folks that the only perfect parents are those without children ;-)


Meanwhile, our increasingly heavy honeydew melon is now 35 weeks, weighs nearly 5.5 lbs (though her mom is carrying around 25 lbs!) and is about as long as she'll be at birth. Which theoretically could happen at any time in the next 6 weeks. There are less than 5 weeks till her due date, though she'll be full term in less than 2! Eek! I really don't think she'll be making her appearance until after her due date, but maybe we better go install the car seat just in case...!

Love to all of you,

Jen, Brent & our little honeydew