A gift for him

I realized after posting the last post that it was missing something. I hadn't really described my underlying sense of what was different with this pregnancy.

Becoming pregnant with T knocked my world's axis onto a new tilt. From the decision that we (eventually) wanted to get pregnant, my priorities began to shift. From the moment we read "pregnant" on the pee stick, the celebration (with its fleeting grips of hesitation and uncertainty) began. By the time I first felt her move I was head-over-heels obsessed with her.

For the last 6.5 months I've known guiltily that I wasn't giving this pregnancy (and therefore this baby) the same care, focus and attention I had given to T's. As you've gathered from my other posts, my attention has had the significant distractions of full time work, full time marriage and full time motherhood (as well as any other extracurricular pursuits) this time around. But regardless of the reasons, I did want, and do love this child, so it's not fair that this little guy has gotten the short end of the celebration stick.

I'll try to explain it more in the next post, but our decision to change our birth plan from a hospital birth to a homebirth has not been an easy or straightforward one (and until we sign with a homebirth midwife, is still ongoing). But to balance the cons (the significant out-of-pocket cost, some logistical considerations and the commitment to not have drugs nearby should I decide natural childbirth is for the dogs) were a number of pros... and one large (unsaid) hope:

Of wanting to give this baby this gift. A special birth, in a special place, surrounded by the love and presence of his family. Maybe in that small way, we can make up for the intensity of emotion that was poured into T for nine plus months of "first pregnancy/baby" anticipation. By investing in having the birth experience that we believe will bring the most joy and be most treasured by us, I hope he will see how special he is to us too.