Last night was not my finest parenting moment.
I'm sure there's been a few but last night is still smarting, so that's what I'll mull over now.
It began with two overtired kids in the bath before bed (the equivalent of eerie music in a horror film - you know it won't end well). To complete the fairly gross process of soaking T's head in oil and combing out the cradle cap that I only recently realized was still present 3+ YEARS later we were embarking on the infrequent task of lathering her head in (tear-free all natural) shampoo... Soap going in = easy. It's the rinse that's the kicker.
Tried and true options were given ("you can lay down in the bath like a starfish and do it yourself!""We can hold a towel over your eyes!" "You can tip your head up and look at the light so no water will get in your eyes!"), each of which was met with a resounding "No!"
After repeated requests (and a long work week) Mommy's patience was on a smoldering fuse, but N's hit the punch first. T started splashing, he started to wail. I asked T to please stop splashing, it was upsetting N. T looking from N to me, and splashed harder. Fuse done.
I took the bucket I'd been gently holding, dumped it on her head and in her moment of spluttering shock, picked up crying N, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to Papa. T, red eyes HUGE, realizing she could still breathe, let out her most terrified wail. I made a couple more attempts to 1) reassure her she was fine; 2) review the options to get the bubbles out of her hair so we could get out of the bath. But meeting reticence to both ideas, grabbed two more bucketfuls, dumped them on her spluttering, terrified head in quick succession, threw a towel around her and lifted her to the safety of dry land, screaming.
The whole experience lasted less than 10 minutes, no animals were harmed in the making, and her only physical blemish was some very red eyes. I was only rinsing her hair! But I had hurt her; a depth which was glimpsed in the choked-sob question I had to endure repeatedly as I put her to bed "Why did you do that Mommy?"
It may seem like an overreaction on my part, and perhaps it is, but B and I have tried hard to nurture trust in our relationships with T & N, and last night my frustrated, knee-jerk actions broke that. Hopefully not completely, hopefully not permanently, but I put a little crack that was not there before. I wielded my power as a bigger, stronger, (meaner), adult, to get my way, on my timeline, even though it meant scaring my child.
So while I've said I was sorry for scaring her, and explained slowly and gently why I chose both actions, I know I now have some work to do healing that crack. Because yes, T should know that we must rinse the soap out of her hair, and yes, she should not upset her little brother intentionally, but equally, I know that fear is not the way I want to teach her these lessons.
I'm sure there's been a few but last night is still smarting, so that's what I'll mull over now.
It began with two overtired kids in the bath before bed (the equivalent of eerie music in a horror film - you know it won't end well). To complete the fairly gross process of soaking T's head in oil and combing out the cradle cap that I only recently realized was still present 3+ YEARS later we were embarking on the infrequent task of lathering her head in (tear-free all natural) shampoo... Soap going in = easy. It's the rinse that's the kicker.
Tried and true options were given ("you can lay down in the bath like a starfish and do it yourself!""We can hold a towel over your eyes!" "You can tip your head up and look at the light so no water will get in your eyes!"), each of which was met with a resounding "No!"
After repeated requests (and a long work week) Mommy's patience was on a smoldering fuse, but N's hit the punch first. T started splashing, he started to wail. I asked T to please stop splashing, it was upsetting N. T looking from N to me, and splashed harder. Fuse done.
I took the bucket I'd been gently holding, dumped it on her head and in her moment of spluttering shock, picked up crying N, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to Papa. T, red eyes HUGE, realizing she could still breathe, let out her most terrified wail. I made a couple more attempts to 1) reassure her she was fine; 2) review the options to get the bubbles out of her hair so we could get out of the bath. But meeting reticence to both ideas, grabbed two more bucketfuls, dumped them on her spluttering, terrified head in quick succession, threw a towel around her and lifted her to the safety of dry land, screaming.
The whole experience lasted less than 10 minutes, no animals were harmed in the making, and her only physical blemish was some very red eyes. I was only rinsing her hair! But I had hurt her; a depth which was glimpsed in the choked-sob question I had to endure repeatedly as I put her to bed "Why did you do that Mommy?"
It may seem like an overreaction on my part, and perhaps it is, but B and I have tried hard to nurture trust in our relationships with T & N, and last night my frustrated, knee-jerk actions broke that. Hopefully not completely, hopefully not permanently, but I put a little crack that was not there before. I wielded my power as a bigger, stronger, (meaner), adult, to get my way, on my timeline, even though it meant scaring my child.
So while I've said I was sorry for scaring her, and explained slowly and gently why I chose both actions, I know I now have some work to do healing that crack. Because yes, T should know that we must rinse the soap out of her hair, and yes, she should not upset her little brother intentionally, but equally, I know that fear is not the way I want to teach her these lessons.
