The FSFM post

Otherwise known as the Feeling Sorry For Myself post.

If shows of emotion are a good sign while waiting for a baby (heightened hormones? Stress release?), then I'm doing wonderfully! Since Monday when my in-laws had to leave SD after a week waiting to meet their new grandson, the waterworks have sprung frequently and liberally. I'm not proud of this. Trumping disappointment, guilt, anxiety and more disappointment, is an overall feeling of being upset with myself. I know better than this. I have people close to me who are unable to conceive or conceiving and then suffering the loss of miscarriage. What an idiot I am to be wallowing in self pity for having carried a healthy pregnancy to term but having to wait a few extra DAYS (maybe weeks at most) to bring him into this world?! Really, is that my biggest problem? I guess it is, and therefore I should be counting my lucky stars, not blubbering like a teenager who just got dumped.

So what's all the fuss about anyway? Sometimes I don't really know. But the emotions start to well when I have my midwife team tell me (like they just did this morning) with their best smiles, that while I'm "softening" and my cervix is moving forward, like it should, neither my dilation or effacement have progressed since our apt. last week. After weeks of trying every natural induction technique possible, I'm stuck at 70% effaced and only 1 cm dilated.

I know I should be happy there's been any progress, rather than disappointed that we're not looking at an arrival today or tomorrow or maybe another week or even more. Moreover, there is a side of me, as I've mentioned before, that -if we lived down the road from our families all in one country and this was some boring month with nothing going on - I would be fine to kick back and watch the world go by for another week or two, trusting the wisdom of my body and Noah to simply come when he's ready. Unfortunately, the world we live in has dates such as Christmas Eve - 3 weeks from this Saturday (the amount of time it will take Noah to get his birth certificate so we can leave the country); and Monday - the date my parents are both scheduled to fly home (though they've said one will delay their flight if baby's not here yet); and logistics such as the house my parents are trying to finish building before we (and other guests from as far as the UK) arrive for the holidays; bureaucracy such as birth certificate and passport wait times; and flight rules, fees and availability for Brent, me, Thea, Noah and my folks to try and make it to Canada for Christmas once he does come.

So yes, it upsets me to think we might not make it home by Christmas. It worries me the stress my folks will be under to get their house built if they stay to support us. These seem like real concerns that loom larger with each day I don't go into labor. But worse than this, in many ways, is how this is affecting my feelings about a birth we've painstakingly planned to be as positive as possible, and a son who I love and have yet to meet.

I know it's not Noah's fault. It's my body that's taking its time to get ready and if my disappointment should be directed anywhere, it should be at myself (which it is). But what can I do about it? I've read every list available on what to do to bring on labor:

Walking. Acupuncture. Evening Primrose Oil. Raspberry Leaf Tea (to help uterine tone). Wearing a compression band to keep Noah's head pressing on my cervix. Visualization. Relaxation. Spicy food. Hell, I even drank a hot water "tea" of 1/4 cup of melted chocolate chips and 1/8 tsp. of cumin based on word of mouth that it induced labor (yuck!). You name it, I've been doing it!! The only exceptions have been castor oil (I even asked, my midwife said don't bother yet because my body was still so unready) and membrane sweeping (midwives couldn't reach it with my dilation being so small), but heck, I'll even try them as soon as they'll let me!

In the meantime, writing this all down has helped diffuse the emotion (I do have pregnancy hormones as an excuse!) for the time being at least. Mom and Dad are talking about delaying Christmas, and filling our remaining waiting days with fun activities rather than obsessing with stressful thumb twiddling (and doing all of the above list over and over again). I see my only job now to be letting go and trying to recapture the positive anticipation of this birth and meeting our little Noah (I hope he's still little by the time we get to meet him! ;-).

Some final pregnancy musings

Well it's not a birth announcement (yet). In fact, my midwife's latest prediction is another week. *Sigh* Theoretically I understand that 1) a week is not a long time; 2) neither is 2 weeks if it came to that; and 3) I should be enjoying luxuries such as a full night's sleep, long showers, one-on-one time with my hubby or T, or the ability to have a degree of personal autonomy (I do have a 2 yr old remember) without my life being ruled in 2 hr increments. But as with any big event looming, sometimes it's woefully hard not to obsess about when the big moment is going to come.

So whether N's going to make his entrance soon or not, I thought it might be an idea to get those last pregnancy musings out now (at least one of each, cuz it's late and I remember I should be sleeping!). After all, this may be my last shot at this with-child thing.

One thing I'll miss

Feeling him move. Sure, he feels like a pterodactyl stretching in there right now, and my ribs weren't happy to be his heel rests from week 30 - 36, but I remember the longing I felt when T's nudges silenced after she was on the outside. Of course I then had the magic of being able to inhale her sweet scent, see into her eyes, hold her hands or count her toes. But I remember walking down the hall at work one day missing her terribly and realizing that when she was on the inside I got to take her with me to work - everywhere - 24-7 she was with me. But once a baby is on the outside, they have to fit into societal norms of where they are and aren't welcome. They're also a lot more work. But I missed having her so close. And I know I will miss him just as much.

One thing I'm scared of

Not loving him as much as T. This is a hard one to admit publicly, and I only really do so because nearly every parent we know with more than one child assures me that this is a common fear that will be quickly and fully rebuked the first time I lay eyes on him. Furthermore, I know I already love him, tons, and just can't wait to meet him. So what's this nervousness? Maybe it's a little of my "oh my gosh, it's a boy" insecurities returning, or just some anxiety surrounding the memories of how completely we fell in love with T the moment we saw her and the disbelief that that kind of love can happen to a human being again.

One thing I can't wait for

To meet him. Everything from the first time we set eyes on him (what's he going to look like?) to the first kiss, the first smell, the first snuggle... But most of all, the slow revealing of his personality over each day, week, month, year to come.

So there you go. He's coming. No idea when or where (though I hope we have a good guess on the latter), but odds are he will be on the outside soon enough.

Looking forward to meeting you little one.

The Waiting Game... with deadlines.

For all of modern medicine's advances, it still can't seem to accurately predict either a baby's size or his/her date of arrival (unless you're forcing the baby out)... which really isn't helping me much these days.

I've been full term for nearly 2 weeks, and tomorrow we'll be down to the final week before my estimated due date. At the moment my head is spinning with little tidbits from friends, birth boards or my midwives, like, "second babies often come early!" "Wow, this little guy has dropped 6-7 cm since last visit! He's either coming early or very quickly when he comes!" "With all the stress you've been under at work I wouldn't be surprised if he came any moment." "Oh, you seem so relaxed now, I think he'll hang in there a while longer." "You're a natural planner, I think baby will feel that and come right after your parents get here."

Usually B & I are advocates of just letting baby be, trusting that babies and pregnant bodies know best when baby is ready for the outside world. Unfortunately, we're fairly sure Canadian Immigration is not going to accept this as a suitable excuse for why our baby wasn't able to get a passport in time to fly to Canada four weeks today.

The problem isn't actually his passport, which we've worked out can be gotten in a day if need be. The problem is the birth certificate necessary to get the passport; which we don't seem to be able to request early and we were told in no uncertain terms takes 3-4 weeks (and that's WITH string pulling!)!

"Well, why not simply delay your flight?" the wise ones ask... Unfortunately, after $225-$300 in change fees alone, we still have to factor in the increased cost of 3 full fares that are going up daily as the holiday approaches, all from a bank account that could only afford flights on points in the first place. (If you're a wise one with money to give us, please call!)

So tomorrow I'm heading back to my midwife's office for her assessment and recommendations on how to get this N-arrival process going! I'd love to wait until our families are here next week (for many reasons, not least of which is the desire to not need to call any of our friends to request a middle of the night playdate for T!), but with our "latest possible" date looking to be this coming Wednesday, it doesn't leave N much wiggle room...(sorry for the pun, it's late).

Here's hoping my next post is a birth announcement!