The FSFM post

Otherwise known as the Feeling Sorry For Myself post.

If shows of emotion are a good sign while waiting for a baby (heightened hormones? Stress release?), then I'm doing wonderfully! Since Monday when my in-laws had to leave SD after a week waiting to meet their new grandson, the waterworks have sprung frequently and liberally. I'm not proud of this. Trumping disappointment, guilt, anxiety and more disappointment, is an overall feeling of being upset with myself. I know better than this. I have people close to me who are unable to conceive or conceiving and then suffering the loss of miscarriage. What an idiot I am to be wallowing in self pity for having carried a healthy pregnancy to term but having to wait a few extra DAYS (maybe weeks at most) to bring him into this world?! Really, is that my biggest problem? I guess it is, and therefore I should be counting my lucky stars, not blubbering like a teenager who just got dumped.

So what's all the fuss about anyway? Sometimes I don't really know. But the emotions start to well when I have my midwife team tell me (like they just did this morning) with their best smiles, that while I'm "softening" and my cervix is moving forward, like it should, neither my dilation or effacement have progressed since our apt. last week. After weeks of trying every natural induction technique possible, I'm stuck at 70% effaced and only 1 cm dilated.

I know I should be happy there's been any progress, rather than disappointed that we're not looking at an arrival today or tomorrow or maybe another week or even more. Moreover, there is a side of me, as I've mentioned before, that -if we lived down the road from our families all in one country and this was some boring month with nothing going on - I would be fine to kick back and watch the world go by for another week or two, trusting the wisdom of my body and Noah to simply come when he's ready. Unfortunately, the world we live in has dates such as Christmas Eve - 3 weeks from this Saturday (the amount of time it will take Noah to get his birth certificate so we can leave the country); and Monday - the date my parents are both scheduled to fly home (though they've said one will delay their flight if baby's not here yet); and logistics such as the house my parents are trying to finish building before we (and other guests from as far as the UK) arrive for the holidays; bureaucracy such as birth certificate and passport wait times; and flight rules, fees and availability for Brent, me, Thea, Noah and my folks to try and make it to Canada for Christmas once he does come.

So yes, it upsets me to think we might not make it home by Christmas. It worries me the stress my folks will be under to get their house built if they stay to support us. These seem like real concerns that loom larger with each day I don't go into labor. But worse than this, in many ways, is how this is affecting my feelings about a birth we've painstakingly planned to be as positive as possible, and a son who I love and have yet to meet.

I know it's not Noah's fault. It's my body that's taking its time to get ready and if my disappointment should be directed anywhere, it should be at myself (which it is). But what can I do about it? I've read every list available on what to do to bring on labor:

Walking. Acupuncture. Evening Primrose Oil. Raspberry Leaf Tea (to help uterine tone). Wearing a compression band to keep Noah's head pressing on my cervix. Visualization. Relaxation. Spicy food. Hell, I even drank a hot water "tea" of 1/4 cup of melted chocolate chips and 1/8 tsp. of cumin based on word of mouth that it induced labor (yuck!). You name it, I've been doing it!! The only exceptions have been castor oil (I even asked, my midwife said don't bother yet because my body was still so unready) and membrane sweeping (midwives couldn't reach it with my dilation being so small), but heck, I'll even try them as soon as they'll let me!

In the meantime, writing this all down has helped diffuse the emotion (I do have pregnancy hormones as an excuse!) for the time being at least. Mom and Dad are talking about delaying Christmas, and filling our remaining waiting days with fun activities rather than obsessing with stressful thumb twiddling (and doing all of the above list over and over again). I see my only job now to be letting go and trying to recapture the positive anticipation of this birth and meeting our little Noah (I hope he's still little by the time we get to meet him! ;-).

"Pain-free" Natural Childbirth...

Say what?!

I think that was my reaction the first time I heard about hypnotizing yourself for a comfortable, natural childbirth. It was when I was pregnant with T and a friend passed along her Home Study Course. She had tried it for her labor but lost concentration during a long and difficult ride to the Birth Center (they lived 45 min away). She admitted she had only done parts of the course and wasn't really expecting it to work.

Hmm, one point against.

Nevertheless, curiosity got the better of us and we made our own half-hearted attempt for a couple of weeks. But a combination of the cheesy scripts, the overzealous bolding and underlining every other sentence throughout the manual, and most of all, the doubt that came from not knowing if I could be hypnotized, or what this whole labor/birth thing would feel like, led me to conclude it was not the birth prep that I wanted to go into this scary thing called Labor with.

Fast forward to this pregnancy. The birth prep course we took for T's birth was helpful, but I wanted more tools to help me have a natural birth this time. We looked into Bradley, Lamaze, and finally returned to Hypnobirthing and its more robust cousin, Hypnobabies. Again, I was skeptical. Then I stumbled upon this Hypnosis for Birth board (and specifically birth stories likethese ones) on BabyCenter.com. Stories of regular women from all over writing in telling about their incredible, unusually fast, easy and most remarkably, comfortable births! I also started googling Hypnobabies on You Tube, and watching a bunch of women, silent or gently "ahhh"-ing through parts of labor that I was decidedly UN-silent through!

It turned out our homebirth midwife had delivered hypno babies too, and had her own stories of the remarkable relaxation the women were able to achieve through self-hypnosis. One lady she attended last year was lying quietly in her birth pool when Marla arrived. She raised her head after a little while to announce calmly, eyes still closed, "baby is crowning." A moment later, "Head is out" Marla came over to shine a light to check the baby's color underwater, which was perfectly pink. The baby was then born... completely healthy and fast asleep!!!

I'm not expecting one of these sleeping labors, or a 22 min dad-delivered-at-home birth because the family never realized they were in labor until the baby's head emerged. But it does give me hope that my labor could be much more relaxing and pleasant than it was last time.

Not that getting a fairy tale natural birth is simply a matter of watching a pocket-watch swing before me as B croons, "you are getting verry sleeepy..." It's actually a lot of work, listening to 1-2 x 40 min scripts daily, doing self practice 2-5x daily, practicing with your birth partner every other day, as well as a lot of reading. With my current work schedule and a 2 yr old that is a pro at distractions, I'm lucky if I do one daily script (usually as I fall asleep at night), and practice with B once a fortnight! So just like college, I'm 5 weeks away from D-day and nervous that I'm going to fail the exam due to insufficient studying.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping my subconscious is paying attention when my conscious mind is busy negotiating with a sleepy preschooler and freaking out about the piles of e-mails I still have to get to... And that somehow, when Noah's Birth Day is finally upon us, that this hypno-anesthesia hocus pocus kicks in!

Just for the record, I've already had one point in Hypnobabies' favor... I got a flu shot a few weeks ago and as the needle was poised above my arm I realized this would be a good mini test! I quickly got into the "awake" hypnosis mode, directing my anesthesia to my arm where the tip was about to enter. I don't mind needles but there's usually a pinch and ache involved. Amazed, I felt nothing more than light pressure at the sight of the injection. The nurse asked me if I was OK as I did my weird relaxation (I think she was worried I was going to pass out). I just wanted her to leave so I could jump up and down yelling to B that it worked!

Why homebirth?

A little over a week ago we announced to surprised friends and family that 6.5 months into this pregnancy we're considering having a homebirth.

Many have been supportive. I think the ones who are shocked or just think we're crazy are biting their tongues a little longer.

To be honest, the decision has shocked few people more than B & I. For T's birth I thought our decision to birth at a Birth Center within a hospital had gotten us the best of both worlds: natural, home-like setting with emergency care a floor away. Truthfully, despite how badly I wanted a natural birth, the thought of going to a private Birth Center or having a homebirth with no option of medical pain relief worried me. I'd never experienced labor, I had no idea what it would be like.

After what then happened with T's birth, some people would think it all the more reason to go the hospital route again. So what made us head all the way across the spectrum to opt for a homebirth?

The answer came inadvertently from the doulas we were interviewing. All very kind, caring women who we'd be privileged to have at our birth, they each subtly (or not so subtly) asked us if we'd considered homebirth. I could see their bias, as one friend (who's a doula) put it, hospital births had burnt her out. She was tired of the fight, of the negotiation necessary to balance a mother's needs and desires with that of the litigation-fearing, rule-heavy, risk-management-focused hospital policies. Especially if you're hoping for an intervention-free, natural labor and childbirth, hospitals are a negotiation-heavy place to birth your baby. None of the doulas we interviewed admitted any of this in their interviews; all knew we were birthing at a hospital and were offering to support us night or day for the 6 - 18 - 24+ hours I was in labor.

But a couple admitted hearing something that we had not yet listened to from ourselves. Our feelings about T's birth, what went wrong (and what went right), and what we feared as a result: not knowing where we would birth or who would deliver our baby; losing privileges (like walking around, being allowed to eat, access to a birth ball, a shower or bath, having family or professional labor support present) that I was counting on to help me labor; being at the mercy of machines and invasive monitoring (not only if necessary but as routine procedures); and lowest-common-denominator rules that, if broken, would set off a chain reaction that would override our needs and wishes swiftly and possibly, completely.

To be clear, I will be thrilled to have pitocin, an epidural, forceps, a vacuum extractor, an episiotomy or a C-section if they are necessary to save my life or my baby's. For all the babies and families whose births have not ended in tragedy that otherwise would have, I thank God for creating NICUs and the doctors and nurses who provide that lifesaving care.

This decision was never about hating hospitals. I've quite liked the care I've received from the midwives at Kaiser. The decision is more about recognizing the politics and bartering that come with birth in the U.S., and in light of that, prioritizing what we wanted for this birth: relaxation, comfort, self-determination and trust to allow my body to do what it knows so well how to do. Of course I want a safe birth as well, but with the medical equipment and experience of the midwives we choose, and having two hospitals within 1.2 miles of our home should we need one, I'm confident I'll have that too.

This morning we're off to interview our second midwife and her team. So far I'm loving the luxury of hour-long appointments, a holistic perspective on the health of my pregnancy, including not only my obstetric care but my diet and emotional well-being; the ability to have a long-desired (and not available in any SD hospitals) waterbirth; the idea that 2-3 women midwives and attendants will be present to support me throughout labor and birth; and that as soon as we're settled and stable after the birth, they will leave us to sleep, rest and be together as a family (unlike the hospital which had nurses waking both baby and I to do routine checks every 2 hours day and night, even when we'd JUST gotten T to sleep). In addition to massage, aromatherapy and cranio-sacral therapies, some also offer mother and baby postnatal care for a full nine months after the birth!

I don't know that homebirth would have been right for us for T's birth. Maybe, maybe not. But despite sometimes considering what else 3.5-4.5K could buy us (a family holiday back to Belize?! A down payment towards the more mundane, but needed, deck repair or house residing we're VERY slowly saving up for?) this decision has felt very right for us.

A new page

A writer friend of mine is in the process of sloughing off a few years of other pursuits to return to writing full-time. To help her do so, she's practicing a daily ritual of writing for one hour every day, even if that means an hour of writing "I don't know what to write. I don't know what to write. I don't know what to write."

It seemed like a brilliant idea, and what better time than when I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant, working full time and chasing a preschooler around? So at 2 p.m. on July 30, I begin what will likely be at least four months (now that I know how hard balancing a computer on your lap with a nursing infant can be) of daily drivel, sent out into the universe via the internet.

One reason why I chose this weekend to start is because I'm feeling a bit (pleasantly) lonely, as many of our close friends and family, here and abroad, are otherwise occupied with major life transitions. A birthday, a reunion, building a house and two new babies, to name a few. It's given us some needed time for reflection on the gifts of our life and the realization that in four short months we'll be receiving another small, loud, squirming, beautiful, sweet-smelling (most of the time) one of our own.

How is it nearly August anyway? With my work getting increasingly busy towards the chock-a-block mayhem of fall, B & I are feeling pressure to prepare for the baby yesterday. I've spent the past week contacting doulas and researching hypnobirthing classes, and trying to find the babysitter necessary for us to attend them! And while all three will punch a large hole in our very small bank account, the more I learn about the deep relaxation of hypnobirthing and read the responses we've gotten from San Diego doulas, the more excited I'm getting about this birth.

I mused the other day, listening to snippets about my friends' recent births, and thinking back to T's, about the learning curve of birth. That perhaps I needed T's wild, unpredictable, not-as-I'd-planned labor, to fully appreciate what I did need for that experience so that this time I can make sure I get it. For me, that means a dedicated labor support professional (i.e. doula), in addition to B's irreplaceable presence, love and assistance as my partner; a more mature, calm and flexible attitude towards birth; and perhaps the sanctity of planning on remaining in our home, or staying with our hospital-planned birth to allow for the kind of unpredictable variables (like that stubborn meconium) that popped up with T.

Regardless of whether our plan for a doula and study of hypnobirthing leads to a birth experience closer to the one I hope for, there's likely some truth in another story I heard recently. A mother of four asserted that while each of her births went differently, each contained a lesson she needed to learn for parenting that child. For those of us who believe birth is a natural, sacred process, it seems like sage advice.

That's my hour today. Hope to see you again tomorrow.

For Mother's Day - Thea’s Birth Story

For those of you who wanted to know, I thought I'd post Thea's birth story today (though it's taken me since Wed to write it in one-handed hunt-and-peck, usually as Thea nursed).

Well, as our prenatal class instructor said, you never know what the birth fairy has in store for you!

After a few weeks of being convinced that my body had no idea that it even needed to go into labor, let alone how, I woke up at around 2 am on Tuesday morning with stabbing lower back pain. I assumed that the spicy Somali chicken dish Brent’s coworker had sent home with him (intended to get labor going) had given me some gas. And even though I was over a week overdue, it still took me an hour to accept that this probably wasn’t gas! I decided it was best to try to let Lindsay and Brent sleep (Mom and Dad were already moved over into their new apartment), even though I expected I was in it for the long haul (sleeping between contractions only worked when they spread out, which amounted to 5 min stints of shut-eye for only an hour). Brent finally found me slouched over the couch on my birthing ball in the living room around 5 am; Lindsay woke up at 8, both very excited when they heard the news.

My contractions were still irregular and not intense enough to indicate I was ready to go into the birth center (though I was still feeling them all in my back), so Brent and I decided to go to our scheduled 10:20 am prenatal apt at the medical clinic. We went for a walk (I stopped to lean on B during contractions) which unsurprisingly took us longer than expected so Mom came with us and parked while we ran in. Standing in line at the clinic’s registration desk I felt a gush of liquid rush down my leg (memories of grade 2 flashed back!). Oh no. I got into the office and ran to give my urine sample so I was well positioned when the big burst came! Unfortunately the excitement of knowing this was definitely Birth Day was soon erased when I noticed the undeniable meconium (baby’s first stool) in the amniotic fluid. In that instant we saw our dream of a Birth Center birth disappear. Our midwife delivered the bad news – while the meconium was likely just a result of the baby being post-due, it could mean she was in distress now, and they were worried she could have aspirated some in utero which would mean serious problems after birth. I was devastated. We weren’t allowed to go home; I had to be admitted to Labor & Delivery immediately. We called Dad and Lindsay to bring our hospital bag and the dozen things we had yet to pack to meet us at the hospital.

Unfortunately, from there things went from bad to worse. Cinco de Mayo turned out to be a "baby storm" day, so L & D was full. We were stuck in a tiny closet delivery room with no windows and barely enough room to fit us inside ( a room we had actually seen during our first hospital tour and I had announced "If that's where we'll be delivering I don't want to go to this hospital!"). By the time I was admitted my contractions were much stronger and closer together and still all in my back. I had always feared having back labor and I was told one by one that the coping techniques I was counting on were unavailable –no birth tub, no shower, no doula; I had limited mobility due to all the machines to which I was now attached, and it took them so long to track down a birth ball for me to use that when they finally did I could no longer move to use it (the room was too cramped anyway). Dad, Linds and Mom were all ordered to pummel my back as hard as they could to give me counter pressure during the contractions. They had to keep rubbing constantly though as even between contractions the pain did not disappear like it “should” do with normal labor. A further complication was that apparently I wasn’t getting enough oxygen (a doctor later stipulated this was a problem with the machine, not me) so every contraction machines would start beeping uncontrollably and I would be yelled at to breathe deeper/faster/more! I felt like I was getting plenty of oxygen, but the beeping and panic was destroying my concentration and breathing patterns to deal with the pain. My contractions became so strong and rapid that the midwife told me I was in transition (the last and most intense part of labor, right before pushing). Even though I was vomiting and unable to focus on Brent’s face anymore, I thought I could keep it up for another hour or two to have the natural birth we so badly wanted. But after two hours the midwife came back to check again and I was told I was only at 6 cm (transition is 8-10cm)! A door slammed shut in my mind and I told Brent to get the anesthesiologist. He tried to talk me out of it (like I’d asked him to) but I’d already thought it through. It was hugely disappointing to me to not have a completely natural birth, but with what we’d been dealt for this birth I felt I was at risk of passing out and having a forceps, vacuum or C-section delivery if I couldn’t get my strength back to push her out. Ironically, the nurses had such a hard time getting an IV in that relief didn’t come for another hour!

But then everything changed at once. 15 min after they finally got the epidural in they checked me and I was 9.5 cm. A big, bright room with huge widows became available that they moved me into. And then the midwife Brent and I had been choosing to see for the last two months came to visit us. She had been working at the clinic all day (that is who we had the earlier apt with) and was off work at 5pm. I thought she was just coming in to check on us when suddenly she returned in her scrubs! She continued to stay for the next 4.5 hours to deliver Thea and get me well and ready to go to recovery – all on her own time! It was like a different birth. My epidural was low enough that it started wearing off and I could feel the contractions in my left side. I didn’t mind the discomfort at all as then I could tell when to push. The pushing stage was slow and powerful and I had the energy and stamina to push her out and be completely present for her birth. I won’t give you all the “gory details”, but as a participant they weren’t gory, rather another example of the amazing capacities of the human body. Thea was born at 8:24 pm, wide awake and bright eyed, and gave a good strong cry when she came out, which allowed her to be handed to me instead of the waiting team of pediatricians (due to the fear of meconium in her lungs). Within 15 min she was nursing happily and then being passed around among all her waiting admirers.

For those who have not given birth, I can’t begin to describe the overwhelming surge of emotion that comes in those first moments - you can hear about over and over, but really there aren’t words to fully describe its intensity. Mom, Dad, Lindsay and of course Brent were all absolutely amazing. And while thoughts of having an only-child surfaced in the sore and most sleep-deprived moments, I think it's fairly safe to say how excited I'll be to do this all over again (and no, I'm not an epidural convert, even though I was very grateful for it at the time, we'll hope again for a completely natural birth next time!).

The days since then have been a wonderful, exhausting, overwhelming, awed blur. It is crazy how seemingly simple tasks get lost in the repetitive routine of making sure Thea eats, burps, relieves herself, is changed and sleeps. The latter seems to be one of her higher priorities and seems to have an inverse relationship to Brent and my ability to do so (especially since she only seems to be content to sleep at night when she’s touching one of us). But, we are so sickeningly besotted by her, that even at 4 am I have found an untouched store of patience I never knew I was capable of! The rest of the time we all just sit around making googly eyes at her and exclaim at the beauty of her smallest movement or expression. :-)





For those not on facebook, we will try to keep a steady stream of photos of her first weeks on our Flickr account: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jenandbrent/ (there is also a link under "Good Sites" on the right of this page).

Well there's always more to write, but it's 9 pm and I'm exhausted! It was a wonderful Mother's Day, maybe I'll write about it the next time I get time... sometime before Halloween I hope!

Love to all,

J, B & little T