Over the last few months I started hearing a disconcerting refrain. Naturally, it started with my mom.
"Jen, you're too skinny!"
Next it was coworkers.
"Jen, you're not looking well. Have you lost weight?"
"Jen, you're looking a little gaunt. Are you eating?" At which my office mate who witnesses my steady 8 hrs of food inhalation would snort.
For the record, the scale hadn't made a significant downward plunge, and the comments were getting annoying.
So, I thought to put my health in a bit of comic relief with Jen's Top 5 Weightloss Tips!
First though, you need the back story. Growing up I probably would have ransomed my favorite candybar for the future promise of hearing anyone describe me as skinny, let alone "too skinny." Teased by a gang of classmates, I spent grades 1 - 7 identifying as the chubby girl, with all the shame and self-loathing that society helpfully facilitates even a 5 - 12 yr old feeling. Now "fat" is a descriptor that my self-confident, logical, scale-reading 34 year old brain can recognize is no longer true, but it remains an aspect of my identity which I don't think I will ever fully lose. That's not to say I have a poor body image any more (thank you sports and feminist theory). But those formative years have stuck with me, luckily for the most part, in ways I feel has made me a stronger, more compassionate human being, and one who can find beauty and strength in more than one shape and size.
Sooo, for those of you who wanna "lose weight" like me:
1) Max out on workplace stress!
May I suggest a toxic working environment with an incredibly unsupportive, out-of-touch boss; losing funding for your program; and putting a promised promotion on hold for 1.5yrs may help.
2) Buy a workout ball.
Not to workout on! Just to sit on at work and nervously bounce all day. *Warning: may severely annoy office mates* When not bouncing, I seemed to miss the potential for an "excellent core workout" by modifying the correct upright posture to a limp 15-degree slouch on my desk.
3) Eat. LOTS.
I don't really know why this one works for me. I just know I do a lot of it. Ask anyone who lives in the same house or works in the same office with me for verification. I. Eat. Constantly. I think it has something to do with #5.
4) Avoid Sleep Like the Plague. If you do find yourself falling asleep, be sure to wake up frequently.
I can recommend having small children as a great aid to #4. Also, #1 helps a lot.
5) Breastfeed. For like 4-5 years.
Of course this would likely involve having kids (which would help with #4). (N.B. just in case anyone reading this doesn't know me, I'll spell out that I am in no way shape or form advocating for anyone to get pregnant, undertake the physical and emotional repercussions of a 9-10 month pregnancy, birth, losing the 20 - 40 lbs you gained during pregnancy, and bring a new human being into this world so that you can breastfeed and lose weight. Sheesh, that'd be almost as dumb as having a baby to try to keep a relationship together)
*Brilliant* as these 5 tips are, I'm afraid I am no longer the weight-loss guru! At the end of October I spent two weeks in Vermont. Relaxing. Sleeping. Thousands of miles away from a toxic office (that boss, at the end of my trip, graciously resigned). Not bouncing nervously on my ball. Instead, snuggling my new baby nieceeating the state's signature cheese drowned in maple syrup. And even though the scale never budged, the comments when I returned were markedly different.
"Wow Jen, you look so much healthier!"
"Jen, you look great. Did you put on weight?"
No my friends, I didn't. I'm just happier :)
"Jen, you're too skinny!"
Next it was coworkers.
"Jen, you're not looking well. Have you lost weight?"
"Jen, you're looking a little gaunt. Are you eating?" At which my office mate who witnesses my steady 8 hrs of food inhalation would snort.
For the record, the scale hadn't made a significant downward plunge, and the comments were getting annoying.
So, I thought to put my health in a bit of comic relief with Jen's Top 5 Weightloss Tips!
First though, you need the back story. Growing up I probably would have ransomed my favorite candybar for the future promise of hearing anyone describe me as skinny, let alone "too skinny." Teased by a gang of classmates, I spent grades 1 - 7 identifying as the chubby girl, with all the shame and self-loathing that society helpfully facilitates even a 5 - 12 yr old feeling. Now "fat" is a descriptor that my self-confident, logical, scale-reading 34 year old brain can recognize is no longer true, but it remains an aspect of my identity which I don't think I will ever fully lose. That's not to say I have a poor body image any more (thank you sports and feminist theory). But those formative years have stuck with me, luckily for the most part, in ways I feel has made me a stronger, more compassionate human being, and one who can find beauty and strength in more than one shape and size.
Sooo, for those of you who wanna "lose weight" like me:
1) Max out on workplace stress!
May I suggest a toxic working environment with an incredibly unsupportive, out-of-touch boss; losing funding for your program; and putting a promised promotion on hold for 1.5yrs may help.
2) Buy a workout ball.
Not to workout on! Just to sit on at work and nervously bounce all day. *Warning: may severely annoy office mates* When not bouncing, I seemed to miss the potential for an "excellent core workout" by modifying the correct upright posture to a limp 15-degree slouch on my desk.
3) Eat. LOTS.
I don't really know why this one works for me. I just know I do a lot of it. Ask anyone who lives in the same house or works in the same office with me for verification. I. Eat. Constantly. I think it has something to do with #5.
4) Avoid Sleep Like the Plague. If you do find yourself falling asleep, be sure to wake up frequently.
I can recommend having small children as a great aid to #4. Also, #1 helps a lot.
5) Breastfeed. For like 4-5 years.
Of course this would likely involve having kids (which would help with #4). (N.B. just in case anyone reading this doesn't know me, I'll spell out that I am in no way shape or form advocating for anyone to get pregnant, undertake the physical and emotional repercussions of a 9-10 month pregnancy, birth, losing the 20 - 40 lbs you gained during pregnancy, and bring a new human being into this world so that you can breastfeed and lose weight. Sheesh, that'd be almost as dumb as having a baby to try to keep a relationship together)
*Brilliant* as these 5 tips are, I'm afraid I am no longer the weight-loss guru! At the end of October I spent two weeks in Vermont. Relaxing. Sleeping. Thousands of miles away from a toxic office (that boss, at the end of my trip, graciously resigned). Not bouncing nervously on my ball. Instead, snuggling my new baby nieceeating the state's signature cheese drowned in maple syrup. And even though the scale never budged, the comments when I returned were markedly different.
"Wow Jen, you look so much healthier!"
"Jen, you look great. Did you put on weight?"
No my friends, I didn't. I'm just happier :)
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